Friday, February 26, 2010

Don't Forget Your Lunch Dewey

I met someone from the AM site last week.  This was the 4th person I've met from the site ever and the 3rd from LA.  It is becoming very clear at least to me that the kind of women to use that web-site is a very rare bird indeed and there are so few sightings of that bird in my neck of the woods that I have to make a 90 minute trip just to see it.  I don't mind that at all.  Especially when that bird is as beautiful, as perfect, as sensual, colorful, as the one I met last Friday at a coffee shop.  She came with a gorgeous flower in her hair.

Because these sightings for me are rare, I try to put my best foot forward, hope that there's chemistry and maybe some sparks will fly.  The verdict was in fairly soon.  There were no sparks.  There was no flirting.  There was great conversation, and I was attracted to this woman, but I was not completely there.  You see I hadn't really shown up for the meeting. I was physically there and mentally aloof.  I realized when we said goodbye after having a walk around a beautiful park that I wasn't going to see her again.  And that felt bad, and it felt worse because I knew I needed something, I needed something to help me be more of myself.  I was fidgety, I was nervous, so I thought.  After we said goodbye, I sat in my car, and it hit me.  'Dumb-ass, you didn't eat anything all day.  You had a health bar for breakfast and it's now 5pm.  No fucking kidding.'  Yes, I had a 'a ha' moment there as I sped to a restaurant to pick up some food.  I was starving and it certainly impacted my impression.  Lesson learned.

Here are some fast AM facts:  I've met four women from the site.  I know.  Only four.  The first one was from my town, and is the one I still see on an on-going basis.  She is the sweetest thing.  It's literally perfect.  We might not see each other for a month, or text but once every two weeks, but we adore each other.  If they could only all just be like her.  The 2nd woman I met was that very same week last spring.  There was a lot of conversation building up to that meeting and when it finally happened, it was the sparks that you could just die for.  It occurred in a hotel room, and it was amazing.  I haven't seen her again.   The third person I met was last summer.  That meeting was strange.  She had her kids in the other room and they could have come walking in on us at any minute.  Bad fucking parenting.  No, we didn't do anything.  And then the 4th was last week.

I have since wrote to her, the 4th, and she was very very nice.  She, of course, liked me, thought I was cute, but thought of me as really sweet, as a friend.  NOOOOO!  No guy wants to hear that.  That's code for "you aint ever getting into these panties".  Ha!  Ok, well a good friend reminded me not to beat myself up for it all, and so I'm going to stop flogging myself and get back to reality.

Sabrina will be here all weekend.  I'll probably see her once.  Our last time together was a month ago and I enjoyed it.  She was one of my first from 20 years ago.  Not technically my first, but close enough.  She is married.  I haven't yet written about that date from last month.

I'm flirting with another woman here in town who's very cute, and I'm digging her because she knows my situation, my baggage, my red flags, and she's able to see through all of that.  Oh did I tell you how cute she was?  A very attractive body.  I mean fully attractive.

Now if I can just remember everything that everyone has shared with me about the do's and don'ts, the what to say and the what not to say.  Riff, Southern Girl, Mia, Ella, Jae, and all you others, can you all just hang out in my car outside while I schmooze her?  I'll set you up in the mini-van and everyone can be comfortable as you all guide me into relationship success, that is, if Riff can keep his hands off of you for just the 30 minutes that I need to seal the deal.  Ear piece...check.  Microphone...check.  Full tummy...check.  Wits about you...check.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I keep Sucking in the Wrong Women

This will be my last post for a while focused on or dedicated to the concept of understanding the opposite sex, because as much as I like to think I "get it" we all know that it's an impossible notion.  We can just try our best and learn from our mistakes.

A blogger caught my attention recently with her rather honest, sassy, yet skeptical approach to men, more specifically the men from AM.  There's a confidence to her writing, to her wit, that suggests that she is not only smart, hilariously funny, but very sexy in real life.  None of this has been confirmed but what I can say is that there was for me an instant feeling of comfortability in sharing with her what I considered to be my most intimate of personal or personality flaws.  In revealing some truths to her, I learned a few things about myself, about women, and about what I can do to avoid the kinds of women that I've been meeting/attracting. Below is a recap of this exchange between myself and the very talented, funny Mia.  I confessed some rather personal stuff and now feel it makes sense here to share what those thoughts were:

I have a tendency to suck women in. I talk a lot, and very openly. It's maybe almost a feminine trait perhaps. I am honest, somewhat charming, and a sensitive guy. I'm a nice guy. I try to be upfront with women and then after we have sex, I'm somewhat less interested in them, unless I find them ultra attractive, and that hasn't happened for a while. Yes. . . I have a thing about settling for less than total attraction too. So I'll see a woman, have sex, and then put some walls up afterwards. I'll be like, "you know I see other people right?" You know I'm not looking for a relationship right?" In a lot of cases after the sex is boring or I'm totally turned off my something, say a stinky vagina, or bad breath or both, I simply don't really want to see them anymore. Why can't there just be a code that says 'sex was just so-so, and you're really not what I'm looking for . . . can we still be friends?'  :)  Ok, that's harsh, but I set myself up in many cases for this kind of a disaster. 

I've had a couple issues with woman who right after we sleep together go fucking crazy on my facebook, and leave a gazillion messages or comments, and or texts to me. Their behavior changes, and I don't like it.  I try to manage expectations and I don't do a good job with it. This happened with that Sabrina girl. I got so overwhelmed, even scared by her "love-intensity" after our weekend together that I almost shut down from her. I did for about a day. I couldn't talk to her, and tell her that I simply needed her to chill and not act any different than before we had sex. This happened with another girl about 3 weeks ago. She started pouring on the attention after sex and ughhhhhh. I think it's something I'm doing. I think i need to talk to these women less, to just be a lot more chill and let things happen. I am very fearful about someone whom I'm only partially attracted to 'falling for me'. It's happened like 3 times this past month. One of them I just totally had to boot.

Wow - that was intense . . . Mia kindly and politely offered some stellar advice.

You do have game Dewey, and I'm wondering if perhaps the problem lies in how you "play" pre-coitus.

What you've just described was a scenario that many of my guy friends have relayed to me. What I've come to understand about situations like this is that the guy is convinced that he is really in love/turned on by the woman he is pursuing (feelings are indeed genuine), he starts to "worship" her with words of adoration, even going as far as talking or eluding to having a future with her. These are the sort of acts that can cause a "vulnerable" woman to become emotionally connected, and in some cases, like yours, dependent on the guy, resulting in getting her to open herself up to a guy sexually. Then as soon as they "get some", they want the girl to get "the fuck away from them." The "fruit has been tasted" and one finds that it tastes like any other fruit, and so the attention/adoration abruptly stops, leaving the woman hurt, and in some unfortunate cases, go "bat-shit". Sex is a powerful emotional tool for women, they often can't detach emotions from sex, which is one of the most unfair aspects of our nature in general, and probably one of our greatest achilles' heel.

You've mentioned before about feeling bad about seeing attached women, but that may be a safety net for you right now. Single women, no matter what they tell you, will eventually want to "nest", whether they plan on feeling that way or not (and given your personality type, the likelihood of that happening is high). [It's a primal, evolutionary drive to propogate the human species, as well as attaching oneself to a sole "protector" of their offspring]. Attached women can adjust to the limits of an arrangement like the one you described. That doesn't mean you may not come across a single woman who's life is so full she doesn't attach her worth to "belonging" to someone. Not always entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Have you noticed a personality/behavior pattern among the women who've had trouble detaching from you? You may want to start watching for that in others in the future.

You may be doing this already, but it may be helpful to let them know that you can't, absolutely CAN'T proceed with a sexual relationship with them unless they understand that you are seeing other people, and agree to be okay with you not contacting them as often as you like. Let them know that you are not intending to be disrespectful at all, you just need physical contact and play but absolutely cannot commit to one person EVER (don't ever give a timeline, because that will open a vulnerable person up to a possibility that you may move it sooner if you find something "special" about them).

You seem like you mean well and want to do that right thing in your approach to your relationships/arrangements. Try not to beat yourself over it if you are, you'll figure it out over time, really.

I found a lot of jems in Mia's response to me.  Very specifially the being absolutely clear advice in terms of not proceeding in a 'sexual relationship with them unless they understand that you are seeing other people, and agree to be ok with you not contacting them as often as you like'.  Yes!  An area that I need help with. The following is my response

Huge huge huge for me. I am not doing this well enough. I just scratch the surface of it. It needs to be a rehearsed or prepared message that I give before having sex, before going down that path with someone that I am "fully attracted" to. I think this, along with sticking to attached women, are exactly right. This is kind of what blew me away about your analysis of me, or your advice for me. Amazing.

Yes, avoiding personality types that get attached easily, or who may be vulnerable because "Bat-shit" aint pretty.

I appreciated this dialog with Mia and having a strangers perspective on the matter.  She offered me direct advice that made sense and that I plan to use. Now it's time to stop the analysis and have some fun!  Lookout weekend cuz here I come.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Random Ramblings

I hate it when people, or more specifically women  just totally drop out of your life without any explanation.  Be honest and just tell me what's going on.  If you disappear because something happened and didn't have the class, the courtesy just to send me anything, any indication of what's happening, then you've only left me pondering all the what-if's.  I can handle it really.  In fact you could lie to me.  That's better than nothing.  Yes I am a sensitive soul but I can handle the truth.  I know I can because I can tell you the truth.  I am more comfortable now telling someone exactly how I feel then ever before.  Take it or leave it.  I speak what's on my mind and I am a terrible actor.  If I'm not feeling it or if I'm in a  mood you'll know.  It will be easy to spot, like a fake Ashley Madison profile.

Being honest with my partners is the best policy for me.  I am physically and mentally a happier person when I can be myself, put it all out on the table and let the cards fall where they fall.  The only part about my behavior that I have some regret about is that I see married women.  They hide my relationship with me from their husbands.  I totally appreciate their need for discretion and I can empathize with a woman who wants an active sex life and who gets nothing from her husband, but it would be my preference to see women who are seeing other people and  where there is no deception.  Does such a place exist?  Is it on an island, or maybe it only exists in some undiscovered primal tribe living in the jungles of Brazil?

I love it when a woman wants to exchange her body for money.  Well, I like to know that right off the bat before I invest any time into that relationship, because truthfully I think there's something wrong with that arrangement and I've never participated in doing it or ever will.  So thank you ladies who tell us upfront what your motives are because that's how I operate as well and it allows me to move on to the next person quickly.  You need a sugar daddy?  Ok.  You want to shop on his credit card all day and then exchange sexual favors at night?  Have at it, but use someone else's credit card.

To all the women out there that insist on having my attention 24-7, we don't have to text each other every day or send emails or have constant IM chat.  I can't do that.  I don't have the time nor is that the kind of relationship I'm trying to foster.  I want to have sex with you, yes, I want to fuck you and I want it to last a long time, but please I don't want the 6th grade boyfriend/girlfriend thing as well.  Let's be adults about it.  Just because I don't text for a few days doesn't mean I'm not into you.  Sometimes I need a break from it all, or maybe I want to spend a little more time nurturing a certain other person that I'm seeing before I see you.  Just relax, take a deep breathe.  In fact, pull away from me for a while and it will make me want to chase you all the more.  It isn't a game mind you.  I just can't text you 100 times in the day or answer all your emails.  If I could get this one woman to do a blog interview with me, she'd tell you.  She'd tell you that a once a week text, email, with a simple flirty message is all it takes and what I'm the most comfortable with.  We see each other once a month and its always delicious.  We could both take it or leave it.  Shit, why can't you just be more like her?  She loves me, but she doesn't have to shower me with shit-loads of messages to show me.

Finally, I saw you on NYE and I was elated to spend the night with you but as your pants came down, as the moment heated up, I was squarely knocked in the face by your large unkempt forest.  I'm sure someone somewhere has told you that a little shave, a lotta shave, or a wax, can make the world of a difference.  You know you make my job harder when you don't do any maintenance on it?  I'm just asking for an occasional trim.

Ok, and that's it for my random ramblings for the day.  Can you tell that I'm a bit overwhelmed with my system?  Yea, it needs some quick tune ups.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Look of Love

First off some quick facts:

I am starting to show more gray hairs than ever before and I am thrilled that so many have complimented that look on men in generally and especially on me.  Now down to business.  I am occasionally seeing the first person I met on AM.  She is a great friend, lives close to me and we exchange adorations for each other that are perfectly comfortable for me.  Love me, but  without any strings attached, or just love to be with me and I will love to be with you.  It's just so easy with her.  A perfect relationship.  After telling her that I was hesitant to meet up the other night, that I wasn't 'feeling it' so to speak, she writes back and offers to 'knock some sex into me'.  Now that is utterly resistible.

I had a very nice weekend with Sabrina and that may be another post, or not.  We plan on seeing each other again.

The last person I made any real contact with on AM was in August.   We have been exchanging messages since August and still haven't met.  Can you believe that?  We both want to but it's not been easy, although we just had our first conversation today on the phone and I think we will meet in February.  That's 1/2 year of waiting and patience should have its virtues.  I am talking with some various women that live close to me, but who aren't attached.  I hesitate to pursue something with any of them only because I am not wanting a typical relationship . . .

What do I want right now?  I'm not sure exactly what that looks like.  At times I'm better at describing what it doesn't look like, but I'm going to try and describe what is an ever changing look of love.

What does the look of love for Dewey look like?  For me that look is:
  • an open minded female
  • trust/honesty/respect
  • polyamory - multiple people, multiple partners, fidelity among partners, expanding love, infinite love
  • a woman who shares my same attitudes about monogamy  - who wants to just be with me and enjoy the moment, however long that moment lasts
  • on-going open communication
  • a woman that can take it or leave it, and by it, I mean "me" - so yes, the commitment to the relationship is less important than the relationship itself.  
  • women with children, most likely because they understand the commitment I have to my kids and respect that
  • someone who wants to have fun, to play, and to fuck, and explore that with me
  • total physical attraction
What it doesn't look like to me:
  • possessiveness, jealousy, drama, games, secrets, monogamy, needy, and attention seeking 
  • insecurities, hidden motives - objectives, with strings attached
  • a materialistic woman looking for benefits above and beyond my company
  • a constant partner whom I share a bed with and sleep with - 'yes, it's my preference that you get up and go now . . . it's 2am and I need to get some "real" sleep'
  • partial physical attraction
At the moment I would say that what I have enjoyed more recently is the relationship high, the endorphins, the energy from a new partner, from the exchange with a new partner, and from the mutual attraction.  But don't get that confused ladies with some romantic notion that I want to marry you, have a vasectomy reversal and give you babies.  Those day are done.  And so I go about it various ways - testing someone to find out how they would fit on the look of love.  It's the testing that has gotten me into a bit of trouble because I need to use better skills or a better approach in the discovery process.  What I do is build walls.  I build certain walls and then wait to see what their reaction is.  It's part of a process where I attempt to put all my cards out on the table and then see where they fall, but the building walls has not been very effective.

In my last post I talked about the NSA woman that I had to dump.  I told her to stop messaging me, texting, and calling.  She was trying to climb up over every single wall and I was trying to shoot her down.  I would tell her what I was looking for, basically everything in both columns, and she would agree, but then act like I never said those things.  This woman liked me, and I mean really liked me.  It was too much.  And I found that unattractive.  If you do all the chasing and tell me how hard it is to find people you connect with, until you found me, and then you act as though you really want a traditional relationship with me, it's going to turn me off quickly.

My look of love has it's limits.  More likely than not I think that human relationships come to an end some for better and some for worse.  Yes that rights, I think all relationships have some sort of an expiration date.  There will come a time when you're in love and then something will change.  Perhaps that change is due to boredom, or perhaps for something far more serious.  It doesn't mean that one shouldn't engage in relationships or strive for love but I'd like to see people lower their expectations of what marriage or what a partner can do for them.  I am not a fan of the fairy-tale love stories or of the institution of marriage.  Not only do I think it doesn't work but it places too much emphasis on how your partner will be the joy that you were missing, or "complete you".  Humans are complete on their own, and I don't think we need the romantic Disney notion that love is forever or of 'till death do you part'.  Let's be realistic and just enjoy the ride, enjoy it for however long it lasts.  Just my opinion and just how I perceive the world.  Thank you for coming along this ride with me.

Update: Some of the comments are asking me about a conflict in my bullet points and I wanted to add this to just clarify my thoughts.  On the surface they look opposed to each other.  You can't be monogamous and polyamorous at the same time.  I know. I meant that when she's with me, she's really with me.  That she's into me and that as we're together she embraces me and we have fun, that we exploit that moment together.  But also that she doesn't count on me being something more than that.  Or being a person that wants more from her. . . that she doesn't want a monogamous full time commitment to "us".   I like polyamory as a concept, but I've never lived it or seen it done successfully for a long time.  I don't know if I would ever practice it but I look at it as an alternative to monogamy.  The thing to is that while I like polyamory I also like many of the things that come from monogamy as well, and I suppose, depending on what day of the week we were talking, I might explore another monogamous relationship if the right person came along.  I'm not so close minded that I wouldn't consider it.  SO yea, you are seeing conflicting impluses or desires from me, because I am in a state of flux now. 

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No Strings Attached

I posted recently about how the Facebook doors had opened and a floodgate of women had surfaced giving me some newfound joy.  I was delighted that I could be myself with them, even explaining that I was not interested in having a monogamous relationship and that I was seeing other people.  So far so good right?  Everyone on board?  Perfect . . . until it isn't perfect.

Well one of them was ok with it until things got worse.  I started noticing odd things about her behavior that caused me to think that ultimately she would try to "win" my heart over even though my heart isn't up for sale.    In the very short time span of three weeks we fucked quite often and enjoyed it but spent more time managing expectations about what I would or wouldn't be interested in.  In the end, I knew that if she hoped for something more than what  I wanted, that we would not be a good match.   Better in the end to say good bye to someone whom the NSA attached really meant something else.  A fuck-buddy is after all just a fuck-buddy even when you like them outside of the bedroom.

It wasn't easy though.  I did like her. She was by all accounts someone I could connect to and laugh with.  A little crass, sassy, confident, nice body, and very funny.  Yes, I like these characteristics.  And the funny thing about her confidence was that I wasn't fully attracted to her physically.  Really, I wasn't, but she would talk about her looks, or her body in a very different way that I was used to.  She never talked about insecurities with herself, as she was very confident in who she was.  Perhaps that was a little intimidating to me, but really, it made me forget how I wasn't fully attracted to her.  Strange how that works?  At least for me.  We would exchange messages, via text, or email, and she had it going on in the funny department and we definitely connected, and that made having to break it off with her all that much harder.

I'm glad I did call it off.  She fought with me tooth and nail to keep giving her a try.  It all seemed very needy of her and I don't do needy at all.  Crying on the phone, cussing, telling me how great I was, and how hard it is to find people that you really connect with.  Frankly, as much as I liked her, I didn't want to go down the "let's see where this could go" path.  A take or leave it approach to Dewey would have kept us going, and would've made me feel a lot of better about continuing in our relationship because really I don't want any strings attached at all for now.  None.  At least none that surface within the first two weeks of a relationship.  She was needy about my time also.  If I say I have to go, because my kids need me at the moment and you're still trying to talk to me, ignoring me, then you don't get it.

Ultimately I want love in my life, I just don't see having that with one person, and one person only at one single time.  Yes, I might have been open to the notion of romance with her, or maybe love, but only within a way that makes sense and to me a monogamous relationship, even in a very early stage is this last thing on my mind now.  We even spoke once about polyamory, with which she was familiar with, and her instant notion of it was 'it's bull-shit and doesn't work' didn't settle with me either.  Because as you know, I think the same things about monogamy.  More to come on my next post in regards to love and relationships.