I've been writing on this blog for about three months and I've gotten a lot more out of it then I had anticipated. This got me to thinking about the kinds of posts I do, and what my motivation for doing them is based upon. There are times when I write very personal stuff here, current events in my life. That alone is the main reason that no one, and I mean NO ONE who knows me, knows that I have this. The anonymity of it makes me feel safe. I think it allows me to express some of my deepest darkest fears and fantasies that I otherwise would never tell people, especially my wife or friends. I've read from many in this blogging community that have spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, and lovers, reading, and commenting on posts and I'm glad it works for them, I just know that it wouldn't work for me. It would be self-defeating.
Then there are other times that I write because I want to have a journal for my life, a place to visit my past experiences, and my feelings - emotions. Yes, my great fucks. I forget things easily, I forget how amazing some of the people in my life have been and I don't want to. I need a permanent private place to house these memories. This is the place, and yet I still have some of my best stories left untold. They must be told.
There is also this exhibitionist side of me just starting to come out and play. It's not in my nature, because truthfully I am voyeuristic. I love to watch it all, but I have been enjoying the attention I get when I put myself, my pictures, or my stories out there. People have been really supportive and kind and I have tried to show mutual respect when reading about their experiences. I don't share it and stand there all day waiting for comments, but they're nice, they do make me feel like someone gives a damn, and yet I have to remind myself that I'm not doing it for attention, I don't need the attention, or do I? Maybe I am starved for attention? Is that a bad thing?
Then there's the fantasy element of this blog. That element has taken over quite a bit lately. Some people call it erotica, but I like to verbalize what I imagine doing, what I hope to do someday. I want to live a full life, and experience as much as there is to offer. Will it happen? Maybe, but I'm not gonna sit at home on the couch and wait for these fantasies to fulfill themselves because they simply won't. So yes, writing my "future memories" is another reason I've found for having this outlet and I like it a lot. . . a fucking lot!
Finally, I've made some great friends here (you know who you are) and I feel lucky to know you all, and fortunate to have found people living in similar circumstances as mine. Of course my situation is unique, no ones is exactly alike, but what my friends here have given me is empathy, hope, a few laughs, and inspiration to continue my pursuits and dreams. Its been very beneficial to have you all. I sometimes dream that we could all just live on a compound somewhere on an remote island and just fuck the shit out of each other for days, months, years. Get a nice tan, and fuck somewhere underneath a tropical waterfall. Of course I'll need my surfboard, and yes, you can bring your husbands, but please, if you're fucking him underneath that waterfall, can I watch?
Depression, 45, 40: Time For Some Honesty
1 week ago