Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's June 2010

Today is like any other day.  It's June, and summer is just unfolding.  The date is a bit strange.  I hadn't really thought about it too much other than two things.  First, today was the anniversary of my marriage that is in the final stages of dissolution.  I'm ok with that.  I'm more than ok.  In fact it's really time for me to stop talking about it, except for the fact that she lives down the hall from me.  We do interact like roommates in a well oiled machine to make the moving parts of our family continue along.  We are still family, and my former spouse now plays the role that's a little bit like a sister-in-law.  Does that make any sense?  Well, maybe what I meant is a sister-in-law that you used to have sex with.  Ahhh, just forget it.

The other thing that happened on this date was exactly a year ago I had  the best one-time fuck fest I've ever had.  You may have already read about that.  I still think about this woman and that indelible mark she left in my history book of greatest fucks ever.  It was a one time thing to never be repeated.  It was a mind-fuck of sorts.  So yea, that happened exactly a year ago today.   And yes, it happened before divorce was an answer, and with my former spouses knowledge.  If you could have read her text to me that morning just before my tryst, you'd know that I couldn't hate this woman (my ex).  She supported me having fun like that.  She still does.

So what?  Or, now what?  I haven't felt much like blogging lately.  My sexual adventures, my system is stalling a bit.  Earlier this week a blogger and I exchanged emails about what I could or should do now.  Perhaps that was more like the blogger told me to stop looking and just enjoy life.  To just "be".  Looking for what you might ask? Well, looking for something that I haven't had or felt for a really long time.  Looking for love.  I know . . . this conjures up some country music song.  That's kind of what the blog has been about.  Some of my posts have been about sex, and purely sex, or about relationships, but I want to have something special with that one person.  Maybe that's monogamy talking, maybe in my fantasies its more of a polyamorous thing, but shit, you have to start at least with one person, and this isn't just about fucking.  Sex is part of it, but this runs deeper.

The blogger posed a question to me. "Do you have to date?".  And the answer I gave is yes.  I want love.  Is that so shameful to admit, or say.  But for now, the quest to find love is freaking elusive.  Some suggest stop looking all together and love will find you.  Some suggest, at the very least to not be desperate, and to not appear too available.  I concur with both.  Others say don't reveal very much about yourself.   Let there be mystery about yourself.  Be enigmatic.  That has actually been some of the best dating advice ever.  But alas, my experiences have led me to believe thus far that 80% of women are not interested in any kind of a relationship with a man who lives in the same house with his former spouse and kids.  It's like I'm unavailable or something?  Which is totally true . . . . and I'm not moving out, though at times my former spouse drives me to this type of fantasy.  But yet, I am also capable of showing, giving, having a normal committed relationship with a woman.  So far the other 20% I've found that are OK with it, are single, and are single for some very clear reasons.  Reasons that I don't find attractive.

What pisses me off though is that I don't want advice that says to just let it go, to just be, or just stop searching, or some variation of that.  Dammit I'm a man, we men hunt, and we pursue, and I won't just give up looking.  I am not getting any younger.  I feel like time is not kind to people who are alone, or feel alone.  If you're a woman, perhaps it's impossible to understand what I'm feeling, on many levels.  Increase your testosterone hormones and live with your ex down the hall.  Maybe then you'd be able to empathize better.  If you're a  man, then you're probably thinking to yourself, "dude, you got to get out of that house".  I hear that, but for now, I choose to see my kids daily.  So maybe that's a trade-off I have to live and deal with.  I would choose my kids over anything or anyone else.  But can I have both?

Please whatever you do, don't give me encouraging advice.  I will be alright.  I don't need encouragement or support, I just want to vent what's on my mind.  I would like to to find someone who shakes up my world and stabilizes it all at the same time.  Someone who knows that my situation is somewhat temporary but yet is willing to ride that ride with me not knowing exactly where it goes or how it will end.  It's unconventional for sure, but it doesn't mean I can't offer that special someone a good ride.