Thursday, February 18, 2010

I keep Sucking in the Wrong Women

This will be my last post for a while focused on or dedicated to the concept of understanding the opposite sex, because as much as I like to think I "get it" we all know that it's an impossible notion.  We can just try our best and learn from our mistakes.

A blogger caught my attention recently with her rather honest, sassy, yet skeptical approach to men, more specifically the men from AM.  There's a confidence to her writing, to her wit, that suggests that she is not only smart, hilariously funny, but very sexy in real life.  None of this has been confirmed but what I can say is that there was for me an instant feeling of comfortability in sharing with her what I considered to be my most intimate of personal or personality flaws.  In revealing some truths to her, I learned a few things about myself, about women, and about what I can do to avoid the kinds of women that I've been meeting/attracting. Below is a recap of this exchange between myself and the very talented, funny Mia.  I confessed some rather personal stuff and now feel it makes sense here to share what those thoughts were:

I have a tendency to suck women in. I talk a lot, and very openly. It's maybe almost a feminine trait perhaps. I am honest, somewhat charming, and a sensitive guy. I'm a nice guy. I try to be upfront with women and then after we have sex, I'm somewhat less interested in them, unless I find them ultra attractive, and that hasn't happened for a while. Yes. . . I have a thing about settling for less than total attraction too. So I'll see a woman, have sex, and then put some walls up afterwards. I'll be like, "you know I see other people right?" You know I'm not looking for a relationship right?" In a lot of cases after the sex is boring or I'm totally turned off my something, say a stinky vagina, or bad breath or both, I simply don't really want to see them anymore. Why can't there just be a code that says 'sex was just so-so, and you're really not what I'm looking for . . . can we still be friends?'  :)  Ok, that's harsh, but I set myself up in many cases for this kind of a disaster. 

I've had a couple issues with woman who right after we sleep together go fucking crazy on my facebook, and leave a gazillion messages or comments, and or texts to me. Their behavior changes, and I don't like it.  I try to manage expectations and I don't do a good job with it. This happened with that Sabrina girl. I got so overwhelmed, even scared by her "love-intensity" after our weekend together that I almost shut down from her. I did for about a day. I couldn't talk to her, and tell her that I simply needed her to chill and not act any different than before we had sex. This happened with another girl about 3 weeks ago. She started pouring on the attention after sex and ughhhhhh. I think it's something I'm doing. I think i need to talk to these women less, to just be a lot more chill and let things happen. I am very fearful about someone whom I'm only partially attracted to 'falling for me'. It's happened like 3 times this past month. One of them I just totally had to boot.

Wow - that was intense . . . Mia kindly and politely offered some stellar advice.

You do have game Dewey, and I'm wondering if perhaps the problem lies in how you "play" pre-coitus.

What you've just described was a scenario that many of my guy friends have relayed to me. What I've come to understand about situations like this is that the guy is convinced that he is really in love/turned on by the woman he is pursuing (feelings are indeed genuine), he starts to "worship" her with words of adoration, even going as far as talking or eluding to having a future with her. These are the sort of acts that can cause a "vulnerable" woman to become emotionally connected, and in some cases, like yours, dependent on the guy, resulting in getting her to open herself up to a guy sexually. Then as soon as they "get some", they want the girl to get "the fuck away from them." The "fruit has been tasted" and one finds that it tastes like any other fruit, and so the attention/adoration abruptly stops, leaving the woman hurt, and in some unfortunate cases, go "bat-shit". Sex is a powerful emotional tool for women, they often can't detach emotions from sex, which is one of the most unfair aspects of our nature in general, and probably one of our greatest achilles' heel.

You've mentioned before about feeling bad about seeing attached women, but that may be a safety net for you right now. Single women, no matter what they tell you, will eventually want to "nest", whether they plan on feeling that way or not (and given your personality type, the likelihood of that happening is high). [It's a primal, evolutionary drive to propogate the human species, as well as attaching oneself to a sole "protector" of their offspring]. Attached women can adjust to the limits of an arrangement like the one you described. That doesn't mean you may not come across a single woman who's life is so full she doesn't attach her worth to "belonging" to someone. Not always entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Have you noticed a personality/behavior pattern among the women who've had trouble detaching from you? You may want to start watching for that in others in the future.

You may be doing this already, but it may be helpful to let them know that you can't, absolutely CAN'T proceed with a sexual relationship with them unless they understand that you are seeing other people, and agree to be okay with you not contacting them as often as you like. Let them know that you are not intending to be disrespectful at all, you just need physical contact and play but absolutely cannot commit to one person EVER (don't ever give a timeline, because that will open a vulnerable person up to a possibility that you may move it sooner if you find something "special" about them).

You seem like you mean well and want to do that right thing in your approach to your relationships/arrangements. Try not to beat yourself over it if you are, you'll figure it out over time, really.

I found a lot of jems in Mia's response to me.  Very specifially the being absolutely clear advice in terms of not proceeding in a 'sexual relationship with them unless they understand that you are seeing other people, and agree to be ok with you not contacting them as often as you like'.  Yes!  An area that I need help with. The following is my response

Huge huge huge for me. I am not doing this well enough. I just scratch the surface of it. It needs to be a rehearsed or prepared message that I give before having sex, before going down that path with someone that I am "fully attracted" to. I think this, along with sticking to attached women, are exactly right. This is kind of what blew me away about your analysis of me, or your advice for me. Amazing.

Yes, avoiding personality types that get attached easily, or who may be vulnerable because "Bat-shit" aint pretty.

I appreciated this dialog with Mia and having a strangers perspective on the matter.  She offered me direct advice that made sense and that I plan to use. Now it's time to stop the analysis and have some fun!  Lookout weekend cuz here I come.


T said...

Amazing advice and definitely spot on!

Why stop in your analysis of the opposite sex? Isn't that what we're all doing?

Keep on growing and learning. You're doing great.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Mia is very insightful. She definitely hit the nail on the head.

I will never understand the opposite sex, and i *am* one!

Riff Dog said...

A few points: First, the part about having sex and then not being so interested in seeing her again? Totally normal for the male species. Personally, that's my test for how much I like a girl. If I want to nail her again, damn, I must really like her! (Strangely, I often don't really know how much I like a girl, even mentally, until we've had sex.)

Second, regarding keeping their expectations in check? If only "talking about it ahead of time" really helped. It doesn't.

In fact, telling a girl she can't have you is more likely to make her want you *more* rather than less. That's one of the underlying concepts that "Game" is based upon. Want a girl to like you more? Act aloof. Want a girl to become uninterested? Shower her with "Omygod, you're so beautiful! You're exactly the kind of girl I'm looking for! I know it's only been one date, but I think I'm already in love with you!" (Mind you, the "Omygog, you're so beautiful!" girl repellant is only effective very early in the relationship.)

I'm not saying don't talk about these things (your unavailability, etc) ahead of time. If nothing else, you won't have as much guilt since you were upfront about it. Plus, she'll try to conceal her desperation more and will just be bat-shit on the inside, instead of openly with you. But what I am saying is that no one keeps themselves from falling in love because they were told not to. And forgive me, ladies, for saying this, but that's especially true for women.

Jae said...

LOL! I think it's the nature of the game hun...we all get our fair share of bat-shit moments. Not fun, not at all.

Mia has it down pretty good, but...

I'm agreeing with Riff here (mark the calendar!)...talking about it ahead of time doesn't help. It's person specific--for some it works, for others....well, it's a crap-shoot. She could agree to terms and then try to renegotiate the g.d. contract!!

I'd be careful with his "Omygod, you're so beautiful!..." advice though--you might end up with crazy train bat-shit girl, and then what a mess.

Jae said...

And oh yeah--you can suck me in anytime...LOL!!


Riff Dog said...

To be clear, I'm not saying he should actually use the "Ohmygod, I love you!" trick. I just presented that as an illustration because we all have that time in our histories where we scared a girl off when we told her too soon how much we liked her.

I do have one other thought, though. It sounds like you're having an easy enough time getting women to go out with you, so if it's seeming *too* easy, I wonder if you might be aiming too low with which women you're seeing. I'm just throwing these numbers out there for the sake of argument, but if you're an 8 and you're seeing women who are 5's, then it's only natural that they're going to go bat shit for you. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Variables in these areas are an inevitability.

Here's hoping your "weeding" skills improve, leading you to "suck" more right women!

Happy Hunting! =] - Mia

Jaynes Submissive Diary said...


I agree with T, why stop we are all doing it all the time I think, aren't we?

Great blog.


Anonymous said...


Fascinating stuff here...and tons of good advice.

Listen, you've been through a whale of a lot of shit in recent months and so some of figuring out this...getting back on the horse and riding her again is normal, yeah??

Riff's right about telling her she can't have you, many women like a challenge and will see this as "well, he's never met anyone like ME before." Thus it may indeed backfire and cause more problems than you wish for.

However, you do seem like the sensitive heartfelt guy that many women adore so Mr. Casanova...that may be your biggest problem.

My take - be kind without gushing, play your cards a bit closer to the vest. Sometimes less is more. Also, enjoy pursuit. Pursuit can be a good thing and fun for both parties...maybe you don't jump right into bed. Oh wait...shit, this is a sex blog yes?? Umm, forget I said that. :)

Kyra said...

Riff's right. My M calls it "girling out" and almost all of us will do it eventually. Also agree you suddenly looked more challenging. That's not to say to not be honest. Honesty is a good thing, just don't think it's going to get you the results.

I think the best piece of advice here, both Mia's and Riff's, is to be more selective. Sure, we want you to get laid. But I'd rather you be more sure she won't go batshit crazy (or only do it on the inside) and that she's worth your time. The build-up is fun. Also, Riff's right about the numbers. I don't girl out when it comes to WH and he's a lower number than me. Of course if you're a ten, and I suspect you are, you'll have a hard time finding someone at or above your level.

Oh yah and you've certainly sucked me in from the beginning :)

Anonymous said...

Dew - the real question is are you straight with yourself? Mia's points are excellent in this regard. You've gotta know your own nature more than that of others. Because even if you change your behavior - it won't guarantee changing someone else's. - E.

Vixen said...

I get the best advice/insight when I come here. From you I mean, and your experiences.

I decided to start seeing men again (I mean other than my husband, he doesn't count, lol) after a...oh, 15 year hiatus (lol).

And damn if it hasn't begun making me remember WHY I quit dating men. It's so confusing! I get so attached to the men I've slept with, bc I LIKE them. It's all so complicated!

Anyway. Like I said, your posts offer me great insight.


Sexie Sadie~ said...

i like Mia, smart woman. I think you do too ;)