I posted recently about how the Facebook doors had opened and a floodgate of women had surfaced giving me some newfound joy. I was delighted that I could be myself with them, even explaining that I was not interested in having a monogamous relationship and that I was seeing other people. So far so good right? Everyone on board? Perfect . . . until it isn't perfect.
Well one of them was ok with it until things got worse. I started noticing odd things about her behavior that caused me to think that ultimately she would try to "win" my heart over even though my heart isn't up for sale. In the very short time span of three weeks we fucked quite often and enjoyed it but spent more time managing expectations about what I would or wouldn't be interested in. In the end, I knew that if she hoped for something more than what I wanted, that we would not be a good match. Better in the end to say good bye to someone whom the NSA attached really meant something else. A fuck-buddy is after all just a fuck-buddy even when you like them outside of the bedroom.
It wasn't easy though. I did like her. She was by all accounts someone I could connect to and laugh with. A little crass, sassy, confident, nice body, and very funny. Yes, I like these characteristics. And the funny thing about her confidence was that I wasn't fully attracted to her physically. Really, I wasn't, but she would talk about her looks, or her body in a very different way that I was used to. She never talked about insecurities with herself, as she was very confident in who she was. Perhaps that was a little intimidating to me, but really, it made me forget how I wasn't fully attracted to her. Strange how that works? At least for me. We would exchange messages, via text, or email, and she had it going on in the funny department and we definitely connected, and that made having to break it off with her all that much harder.
I'm glad I did call it off. She fought with me tooth and nail to keep giving her a try. It all seemed very needy of her and I don't do needy at all. Crying on the phone, cussing, telling me how great I was, and how hard it is to find people that you really connect with. Frankly, as much as I liked her, I didn't want to go down the "let's see where this could go" path. A take or leave it approach to Dewey would have kept us going, and would've made me feel a lot of better about continuing in our relationship because really I don't want any strings attached at all for now. None. At least none that surface within the first two weeks of a relationship. She was needy about my time also. If I say I have to go, because my kids need me at the moment and you're still trying to talk to me, ignoring me, then you don't get it.
Ultimately I want love in my life, I just don't see having that with one person, and one person only at one single time. Yes, I might have been open to the notion of romance with her, or maybe love, but only within a way that makes sense and to me a monogamous relationship, even in a very early stage is this last thing on my mind now. We even spoke once about polyamory, with which she was familiar with, and her instant notion of it was 'it's bull-shit and doesn't work' didn't settle with me either. Because as you know, I think the same things about monogamy. More to come on my next post in regards to love and relationships.