Thursday, February 4, 2010

No Strings Attached

I posted recently about how the Facebook doors had opened and a floodgate of women had surfaced giving me some newfound joy.  I was delighted that I could be myself with them, even explaining that I was not interested in having a monogamous relationship and that I was seeing other people.  So far so good right?  Everyone on board?  Perfect . . . until it isn't perfect.

Well one of them was ok with it until things got worse.  I started noticing odd things about her behavior that caused me to think that ultimately she would try to "win" my heart over even though my heart isn't up for sale.    In the very short time span of three weeks we fucked quite often and enjoyed it but spent more time managing expectations about what I would or wouldn't be interested in.  In the end, I knew that if she hoped for something more than what  I wanted, that we would not be a good match.   Better in the end to say good bye to someone whom the NSA attached really meant something else.  A fuck-buddy is after all just a fuck-buddy even when you like them outside of the bedroom.

It wasn't easy though.  I did like her. She was by all accounts someone I could connect to and laugh with.  A little crass, sassy, confident, nice body, and very funny.  Yes, I like these characteristics.  And the funny thing about her confidence was that I wasn't fully attracted to her physically.  Really, I wasn't, but she would talk about her looks, or her body in a very different way that I was used to.  She never talked about insecurities with herself, as she was very confident in who she was.  Perhaps that was a little intimidating to me, but really, it made me forget how I wasn't fully attracted to her.  Strange how that works?  At least for me.  We would exchange messages, via text, or email, and she had it going on in the funny department and we definitely connected, and that made having to break it off with her all that much harder.

I'm glad I did call it off.  She fought with me tooth and nail to keep giving her a try.  It all seemed very needy of her and I don't do needy at all.  Crying on the phone, cussing, telling me how great I was, and how hard it is to find people that you really connect with.  Frankly, as much as I liked her, I didn't want to go down the "let's see where this could go" path.  A take or leave it approach to Dewey would have kept us going, and would've made me feel a lot of better about continuing in our relationship because really I don't want any strings attached at all for now.  None.  At least none that surface within the first two weeks of a relationship.  She was needy about my time also.  If I say I have to go, because my kids need me at the moment and you're still trying to talk to me, ignoring me, then you don't get it.

Ultimately I want love in my life, I just don't see having that with one person, and one person only at one single time.  Yes, I might have been open to the notion of romance with her, or maybe love, but only within a way that makes sense and to me a monogamous relationship, even in a very early stage is this last thing on my mind now.  We even spoke once about polyamory, with which she was familiar with, and her instant notion of it was 'it's bull-shit and doesn't work' didn't settle with me either.  Because as you know, I think the same things about monogamy.  More to come on my next post in regards to love and relationships.

14 comments:

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I ahd that trouble with a 'remote' friend/love-- she knew I was poly and accepted-- heck, she was/is married, but wanted me to tell another blogger who was coming to town just to see me, not to do it. Uh, WHUH???

Je comprends the attraction to personality and how that can make a hugh (for me) difference where physical attraction isn't so... well, is only so-so.

Salinte, man.

Ms Scarlett said...

My experience is that most men on the dating websites actually mean it when they say NSA relationship... and many of the women agree to that assuming they can Change Their Minds. I've never understood that mindset myself... but maybe that's because I was more interested in NSA myself...

If it turns into more, both parties have to be on board with that shift in thinking!

Topaz said...

Sigh... MsS put it best - those women who try to change minds. Good thing you kept your head on straight.

But be flattered I guess... if she really was NSA and found you that compelling to change her mind, then you really are quite a catch!

(you like my spin?)

:-)

southerngirl said...

Think you were wise to get out early.

But Oh...Dewey it just means your irresistible baby, enjoy the ride! You could have bigger problems....

Ms Bitchtits to You said...

It's my belief that more foten than not, NSA doesn't stay that way, for one or another of the parties. You were wise to get out early!

IMHO it's a bit sad, really, to do the begging, "oooh, please let's try and see where this goes" thing. It's a sure foreshadowing of disaster.

Southerngirl has it right, sexy, you are damn near irresistible!

Ms Bitchtits to You said...

ugh...that's "often". forgive me; i've been sick. :-P

Eva Huntress said...

Well, don't blame the poor woman, you ARE irresistible after all. I've come to believe that the definition of NSA is very subjective, we all have our double (and quite often selfish) standars, it just depends of our level of attraction for the other. My guess is that it was quite easy for you to break it off because you were simply not that into her, but had you liked her a lot, perhaps you would think differently about sharing her with other guys.

Soul Powers said...

Do
Not
Settle
...for what you know you don't want.

Good move, bro.

mnwhr said...

Better that you got out with a little drama now rather than a buttload of crazy later.

Ella said...

I think Eva nailed it. A heart cannot be protected by a an acronym. You just weren't that into her because if you were you would have gladly filled all her needs for time and attention. The truth hurts but it ultimately hurts less without the games. To quote SP "never settle." I admire you trying to figure all this out for yourself. xo E.

Jayne's Master said...

Great blog, like it a lot.
Jayne xx
http://jaynesmaster.blogspot.com/

Kyra said...

Everyone already made most of my points. You're irresistable, check. Women say NSA and often mean more, check.

The one thing I would add is that it seems to me you already are in a committed relationship: with your children and their mother/your ex in parenting them. That's your priority. It is great you are keeping your eye on the ball, so to speak.

Dewey's System said...

Thank you all for your comments! Yes Kyra, I am in a committed relationship - good point. And for the rest of you, your compliments are very very appreciated. I could say the same thing about all of you. Seriously, ladies, when are are all getting together? I'm so ready for all of you. Ok, one at a time though.

You are all absolutely right! Don't settle and yes, I was just not that into her. Two totally correct points.

that girl said...

wow, could i ever relate to this post! nuff said.