Friday, January 29, 2010

A Peaceful Business Model that Works

I've been hearing lately from many of my female friends that they wish they could be doing, or could have done what my ex and I are attempting to do.  Our relationship/business model is unique in that we get along well enough most of the time so that we can live together under the same roof and raise our kids together, and we can do that in an open, peaceful, and honest way with them.  They know that mom and dad aren't "in-love", are going through a divorce, and they're managing that information very well.  The ex and I work together closely as partners in parenting and believe me it isn't an easy task with all girls, and with so many of them.  But it's damn worth it.

Perhaps this model works because there is a general interest in hoping that those around us are happy and get their needs met.  But it's more than that, its about genuinely wishing that your partner (ex-partner) is happy and seeing that she feels the same way about you.  I can literally schedule any outing, or time that I want to go out, socialize, have dates, or go on mini-trips and know that she will take care of the kids while I do the same for her.   Recently this has become quite a scheduling exchange.  We work together to make sure that we parent first but also that we have equal time outside of the house to pursue whatever we want. It isn't always perfect but fuck, I am very happy about our arrangement.  I'm happy that we don't have to be in the closet about it either.  Kids know, parents know, grandparents know, and my friends know.

There are of course limitations to this model.  We don't own a mansion where we could have guests, or lovers, circulating in and out.  We aren't going to have any boyfriend or girlfriend come live with us.  But even if we did have such a home, I wouldn't be living that way as a parent, as a role model to my girls.  Simply put, there isn't any woman that I would introduce my girls to for a very long time.

Strangely enough, two of my kids who are 11 and 9, are asking me about dating.  They are coming to me and telling me to go out and date, to have love.  I find that remarkable because they truly want me to be happy and they know that I will always be there for them.  They know I won't leave my house no matter how fucktacular some woman might be and leave my kids to be an every other weekend type dad.  It just isn't in my DNA.  I have to see them daily, they are the love of my life.

So yes, I can date, I can fuck, I can be seeing multiple people at the same time, and I can have a variety of relationships that make life interesting and I can do it all with the help of the person that I fell in love with so long ago.  There can be peace, and this model can work.  If it were a business model I think more people would be buying.

Have a great weekend everyone


Kyra said...

I am so happy for you and admire what you two are accomplishing. I hope it lasts for a long time.

What do you think are the prerequisites to such an arrangement?

Okay, I'll admit it. I don't think I could do it. It seems you two have mutual respect, affection and trust. And even married living in the same house I don't have that. We also partner well together for the most part and can manage now. But if/when we divorce, I'll want him as much out of my life as possible. Yes, even at the expense of him seeing my kids daily (or me seeing them daily... Gulp... I don't like that thought.)

I guess I'm saying not everyone can or should go into a business plan like that.

Anonymous said...

Attitude is everything. When your children are grown, they will sincerely appreciate the effort by you and their mother. All the best in your journey. - E.

Anonymous said...

You do have a unique system. Thanks for being a good father, especially during this transition period. Most men would not be able to do what you are doing. I respect you for that.

Thanks for visiting Secret Story Time too.


Meagan said...

Dewey AU’mazing, if only there were more MEN like you. How respectable, honorable, commendable!

I've always known in a relationship when it's run its course, and the "in love" is gone, step back, be respectable and wish the best for each other!
And being a respectable role model, on hands father for your girls…priceless!! My father abandoned me when I was 14, and to this day it's this void, sadness of why? So I respect a man who's there for his family, and especially for your girls!

You rock dude,

Vixen said...

Hey. As long as it works, that's what counts.

Good luck in your ventures :)


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I think it freaking rocks that the kids tourn to you like that...

To find someone you can share that kind of openness with... I've only recently been so lucky. We look together, admire together, call one anothers' attention to...

And we can can love together in the face of it all. Mayhap because of the newness of our relationship, but... en realite, ours will continue because we ARE so open with each other-- and will never be threatened by any of that.

Slainte, new one!

Glad I came across this blog. I'll be back daily...


T said...

Fantastic. I love that it is working for you. Enjoy this and continue living in the moment. Love... is already in your life in many many different forms.

Very happy for you!!

Ms Scarlett said...

I'm thrilled that this is working so well for all of you. It's always wonderful to hear about parents who recognize that the important part is the parenting.

I really admire your emotionally honest approach to this.

mnwhr said...

I don't know if most folks can approach the situation with such maturity, it's great you and your ex do.