Friday, February 5, 2010

The Look of Love

First off some quick facts:

I am starting to show more gray hairs than ever before and I am thrilled that so many have complimented that look on men in generally and especially on me.  Now down to business.  I am occasionally seeing the first person I met on AM.  She is a great friend, lives close to me and we exchange adorations for each other that are perfectly comfortable for me.  Love me, but  without any strings attached, or just love to be with me and I will love to be with you.  It's just so easy with her.  A perfect relationship.  After telling her that I was hesitant to meet up the other night, that I wasn't 'feeling it' so to speak, she writes back and offers to 'knock some sex into me'.  Now that is utterly resistible.

I had a very nice weekend with Sabrina and that may be another post, or not.  We plan on seeing each other again.

The last person I made any real contact with on AM was in August.   We have been exchanging messages since August and still haven't met.  Can you believe that?  We both want to but it's not been easy, although we just had our first conversation today on the phone and I think we will meet in February.  That's 1/2 year of waiting and patience should have its virtues.  I am talking with some various women that live close to me, but who aren't attached.  I hesitate to pursue something with any of them only because I am not wanting a typical relationship . . .

What do I want right now?  I'm not sure exactly what that looks like.  At times I'm better at describing what it doesn't look like, but I'm going to try and describe what is an ever changing look of love.

What does the look of love for Dewey look like?  For me that look is:
  • an open minded female
  • trust/honesty/respect
  • polyamory - multiple people, multiple partners, fidelity among partners, expanding love, infinite love
  • a woman who shares my same attitudes about monogamy  - who wants to just be with me and enjoy the moment, however long that moment lasts
  • on-going open communication
  • a woman that can take it or leave it, and by it, I mean "me" - so yes, the commitment to the relationship is less important than the relationship itself.  
  • women with children, most likely because they understand the commitment I have to my kids and respect that
  • someone who wants to have fun, to play, and to fuck, and explore that with me
  • total physical attraction
What it doesn't look like to me:
  • possessiveness, jealousy, drama, games, secrets, monogamy, needy, and attention seeking 
  • insecurities, hidden motives - objectives, with strings attached
  • a materialistic woman looking for benefits above and beyond my company
  • a constant partner whom I share a bed with and sleep with - 'yes, it's my preference that you get up and go now . . . it's 2am and I need to get some "real" sleep'
  • partial physical attraction
At the moment I would say that what I have enjoyed more recently is the relationship high, the endorphins, the energy from a new partner, from the exchange with a new partner, and from the mutual attraction.  But don't get that confused ladies with some romantic notion that I want to marry you, have a vasectomy reversal and give you babies.  Those day are done.  And so I go about it various ways - testing someone to find out how they would fit on the look of love.  It's the testing that has gotten me into a bit of trouble because I need to use better skills or a better approach in the discovery process.  What I do is build walls.  I build certain walls and then wait to see what their reaction is.  It's part of a process where I attempt to put all my cards out on the table and then see where they fall, but the building walls has not been very effective.

In my last post I talked about the NSA woman that I had to dump.  I told her to stop messaging me, texting, and calling.  She was trying to climb up over every single wall and I was trying to shoot her down.  I would tell her what I was looking for, basically everything in both columns, and she would agree, but then act like I never said those things.  This woman liked me, and I mean really liked me.  It was too much.  And I found that unattractive.  If you do all the chasing and tell me how hard it is to find people you connect with, until you found me, and then you act as though you really want a traditional relationship with me, it's going to turn me off quickly.

My look of love has it's limits.  More likely than not I think that human relationships come to an end some for better and some for worse.  Yes that rights, I think all relationships have some sort of an expiration date.  There will come a time when you're in love and then something will change.  Perhaps that change is due to boredom, or perhaps for something far more serious.  It doesn't mean that one shouldn't engage in relationships or strive for love but I'd like to see people lower their expectations of what marriage or what a partner can do for them.  I am not a fan of the fairy-tale love stories or of the institution of marriage.  Not only do I think it doesn't work but it places too much emphasis on how your partner will be the joy that you were missing, or "complete you".  Humans are complete on their own, and I don't think we need the romantic Disney notion that love is forever or of 'till death do you part'.  Let's be realistic and just enjoy the ride, enjoy it for however long it lasts.  Just my opinion and just how I perceive the world.  Thank you for coming along this ride with me.

Update: Some of the comments are asking me about a conflict in my bullet points and I wanted to add this to just clarify my thoughts.  On the surface they look opposed to each other.  You can't be monogamous and polyamorous at the same time.  I know. I meant that when she's with me, she's really with me.  That she's into me and that as we're together she embraces me and we have fun, that we exploit that moment together.  But also that she doesn't count on me being something more than that.  Or being a person that wants more from her. . . that she doesn't want a monogamous full time commitment to "us".   I like polyamory as a concept, but I've never lived it or seen it done successfully for a long time.  I don't know if I would ever practice it but I look at it as an alternative to monogamy.  The thing to is that while I like polyamory I also like many of the things that come from monogamy as well, and I suppose, depending on what day of the week we were talking, I might explore another monogamous relationship if the right person came along.  I'm not so close minded that I wouldn't consider it.  SO yea, you are seeing conflicting impluses or desires from me, because I am in a state of flux now. 


Meagan said...

Dewey a mind after my own heart...great post! How true you speak when you say "I think all relationships have some sort of an expiration date". Oh how I believe that to be true, nevertheless there are a chosen few!

Also thanks for stopping by my place as always leaving your kind words!

Anonymous said...

I happen to like a few gray it part of my aging wisdom and shit. xx

Ok and bullet point #3 and #4 under Dewey BOL seem to be diametrically I too crazy here???

Dew, Dew, are a frickin' complicated wall-building sort aren't you??

YOU enjoy the ride here OK?

Jae said...

Damn unfair how grays are complimentary on men but just make (most) women look 'old'. LOL! Guess that's why we have great hair stylists...maybe one day I'll give up a little vanity, but I doubt it.

1/2 a year? I can't say a whole lot. I've been there and then some. Call it overcautious but this girl is so not going to get caught--by the hubster OR some crazy train. Sometimes it takes some hashing out before one has a modicum of peace with the meeting. Ya know?

Besides, I too do not want the complications of someone wanting more than what I am willing to give...Be happy with me but don't tell me I make you happy--that comes from within yourself. "Love me, but without any strings attached, or just love to be with me and I will love to be with you" sums it up nicely. My walls are protected by ninjas, gargoyles, the 3rd Infantry Division and a few well placed atomic bombs. Do not try to get in without my express permission.

Great post Dewey...very spot on. Wish I could get certain people (okay fine--one person) in my life to view things like that. Sigh.


Anonymous said...

Lots of fun playmates would set my head a-spinnin'! Sad thing is, i don't think Tater would approve.

Happy weekend, you sexy god, you!

Vanilla Kinks said...

My love list mirrors yours exactly!

I'm having a very difficult time finding a man that exactly fits it. Either they want too much, or not enough (sex, that is!). I'm beyond frustrated at this point.

Best of luck in finding the love you want!


Emmy said...

Yes, please explain what you meant by the bullet point about polyamory and then monogamy. Maybe I'm unclear about your philosophy about the two.

It's always good to have a list of what you want. I hope you have some flexibility in it, and they aren't absolutes. As Uncle Mick would say "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." ;-)

Anonymous said...

It's been my observation that generally, quality women would prefer to devote their passions to one person. I think that some will say whatever the man wants to hear in order to "draw them in" and hope the man will find something so special about them that they will "abandon all others" and focus on them. Men appear to have a different approach to relationships, wanting different partners to break up the monotony felt after a time with just one woman. It's the natures of both sexes that continue to bring on battles between them that neither will win, and will leave women constantly nursing open wounds from the battle. A pity.

Dewey's System said...

Thank you ladies for your comments. I added an update on my post to clarify what looked like a conflict in my bullet points. Again, thank you for stopping by, for reading, and for leaving me your comments. Your feedback is so helpful for me as I navigate my way through this exciting time in my life.

Vixen said...

Ooo great post!

Your first bullet of what you are NOT looking for...

*possessiveness, jealousy, drama, games, secrets, monogamy, needy, and attention seeking


Anonymous said...

You certainly are still in a flux. I have seen posts here of how much you want to find that meaningful relationship with someone but yet you don't. You want someone into you in the moment but beyond that is too much. Good luck my friend.

xo Mina