The Look of Love

First off some quick facts:

I am starting to show more gray hairs than ever before and I am thrilled that so many have complimented that look on men in generally and especially on me.  Now down to business.  I am occasionally seeing the first person I met on AM.  She is a great friend, lives close to me and we exchange adorations for each other that are perfectly comfortable for me.  Love me, but  without any strings attached, or just love to be with me and I will love to be with you.  It's just so easy with her.  A perfect relationship.  After telling her that I was hesitant to meet up the other night, that I wasn't 'feeling it' so to speak, she writes back and offers to 'knock some sex into me'.  Now that is utterly resistible.

I had a very nice weekend with Sabrina and that may be another post, or not.  We plan on seeing each other again.

The last person I made any real contact with on AM was in August.   We have been exchanging messages since August and still haven't met.  Can you believe that?  We both want to but it's not been easy, although we just had our first conversation today on the phone and I think we will meet in February.  That's 1/2 year of waiting and patience should have its virtues.  I am talking with some various women that live close to me, but who aren't attached.  I hesitate to pursue something with any of them only because I am not wanting a typical relationship . . .

What do I want right now?  I'm not sure exactly what that looks like.  At times I'm better at describing what it doesn't look like, but I'm going to try and describe what is an ever changing look of love.

What does the look of love for Dewey look like?  For me that look is:

• an open minded female
• trust/honesty/respect
• polyamory - multiple people, multiple partners, fidelity among partners, expanding love, infinite love
• a woman who shares my same attitudes about monogamy  - who wants to just be with me and enjoy the moment, however long that moment lasts
• on-going open communication
• a woman that can take it or leave it, and by it, I mean "me" - so yes, the commitment to the relationship is less important than the relationship itself.  
• women with children, most likely because they understand the commitment I have to my kids and respect that
• someone who wants to have fun, to play, and to fuck, and explore that with me
• total physical attraction

What it doesn't look like to me:

• possessiveness, jealousy, drama, games, secrets, monogamy, needy, and attention seeking 
• insecurities, hidden motives - objectives, with strings attached
• a materialistic woman looking for benefits above and beyond my company
• a constant partner whom I share a bed with and sleep with - 'yes, it's my preference that you get up and go now . . . it's 2am and I need to get some "real" sleep'
• partial physical attraction

At the moment I would say that what I have enjoyed more recently is the relationship high, the endorphins, the energy from a new partner, from the exchange with a new partner, and from the mutual attraction.  But don't get that confused ladies with some romantic notion that I want to marry you, have a vasectomy reversal and give you babies.  Those day are done.  And so I go about it various ways - testing someone to find out how they would fit on the look of love.  It's the testing that has gotten me into a bit of trouble because I need to use better skills or a better approach in the discovery process.  What I do is build walls.  I build certain walls and then wait to see what their reaction is.  It's part of a process where I attempt to put all my cards out on the table and then see where they fall, but the building walls has not been very effective.

In my last post I talked about the NSA woman that I had to dump.  I told her to stop messaging me, texting, and calling.  She was trying to climb up over every single wall and I was trying to shoot her down.  I would tell her what I was looking for, basically everything in both columns, and she would agree, but then act like I never said those things.  This woman liked me, and I mean really liked me.  It was too much.  And I found that unattractive.  If you do all the chasing and tell me how hard it is to find people you connect with, until you found me, and then you act as though you really want a traditional relationship with me, it's going to turn me off quickly.

My look of love has it's limits.  More likely than not I think that human relationships come to an end some for better and some for worse.  Yes that rights, I think all relationships have some sort of an expiration date.  There will come a time when you're in love and then something will change.  Perhaps that change is due to boredom, or perhaps for something far more serious.  It doesn't mean that one shouldn't engage in relationships or strive for love but I'd like to see people lower their expectations of what marriage or what a partner can do for them.  I am not a fan of the fairy-tale love stories or of the institution of marriage.  Not only do I think it doesn't work but it places too much emphasis on how your partner will be the joy that you were missing, or "complete you".  Humans are complete on their own, and I don't think we need the romantic Disney notion that love is forever or of 'till death do you part'.  Let's be realistic and just enjoy the ride, enjoy it for however long it lasts.  Just my opinion and just how I perceive the world.  Thank you for coming along this ride with me.

Update: Some of the comments are asking me about a conflict in my bullet points and I wanted to add this to just clarify my thoughts.  On the surface they look opposed to each other.  You can't be monogamous and polyamorous at the same time.  I know. I meant that when she's with me, she's really with me.  That she's into me and that as we're together she embraces me and we have fun, that we exploit that moment together.  But also that she doesn't count on me being something more than that.  Or being a person that wants more from her. . . that she doesn't want a monogamous full time commitment to "us".   I like polyamory as a concept, but I've never lived it or seen it done successfully for a long time.  I don't know if I would ever practice it but I look at it as an alternative to monogamy.  The thing to is that while I like polyamory I also like many of the things that come from monogamy as well, and I suppose, depending on what day of the week we were talking, I might explore another monogamous relationship if the right person came along.  I'm not so close minded that I wouldn't consider it.  SO yea, you are seeing conflicting impluses or desires from me, because I am in a state of flux now. 

Unfinished Business

With a nearly a month of not posting you'd think that I'd have some incredible stories to share wouldn't you?  You might even think that perhaps, with the way the world turns, and with its various seasons that maybe, just maybe Dewey got some.  Maybe it turned in his favor?  And you know what?  You'd be correct, but it's more than just about getting some, it's about one thing, and one thing only . . . . Facebook!  Yes people the Facebook Gods have answered and the doors have opened. And behind doors 1,2,3, and 4 have been some amazing women, and some great tales of tail.  I got some!  I got lots, and the getting apparently has no ending.

How did this all happen?  I'm not quite sure what the catalyst was . . . but it probably had to be with my getting a divorce.  Maybe, but maybe not.  Maybe its my charm, my energy, my smile, and quite possibly my writing skills.  No?  Not the writing you say.  Yea, ok, well I tried, but I do think that being vocal about my divorce through personal messaging got some women to take a second look at me, to give me chance.  It's certainly possible.  I am enjoying my fun with all of these women.  They all share something in common in that they all tell me that they adore me. Nice huh?  I like being adored, and being appreciated.  You could say that I'm quite liking this newly defined moment in my life: divorced, single, and having more fun than ever.

Before you think I'm a horrible man-whore (you'd be right of course), these women all know that I am seeing other people.  That's the beauty of my place right now.  I don't have to lie about who and I am what I'm doing, and the no-secrets part of it is a load off my chest.  They know I don't want a relationship.  I'm living my life in my 30's and living what should have been fun in my 20's since I missed that whole decade.  Yea, I have responsibilities now, so it's not like I can be 20 again, and I love those responsibilities, so I can't get too crazy, but I'll take a 1/2 portion of crazy if that's ok?  I'll split the other half of crazy with the woman who's willing to put up with all my "red-flags" and relationship walls that I've built.  You've got to be somewhat crazy not to see my hundreds upon hundreds of red-flags.

So while I have some great stories involving hot New Years Eve sex, office sex, more office sex, and even a really good story involving a blind-fold with a car-drive ultimately ending up with her tied up on a bed and me exploring my dominating side (phew that was long), I want to share the most heart-warming of them all.  Call her Sabrina.

Sabrina was my first.   She's a beautiful fun girl, six feet tall and when she left to do modeling in Italy our relationship ended.  Short-lived but fun.  20 years ago in her bedroom my cock felt the inside of a vagina when she allowed me to go where I had never gone before.  Mind you, I was a good little boy, and didn't thrust my hips back in forth.  I didn't slide in-n-out.  I just felt it.  It's kind of like Clinton smoking marijuana but not inhaling, although he claimed not to like it.  Me, well I fucking loved it, the feel of her warm pussy enveloping my cock that is.  I thought I could still call myself a virgin since I technically didn't cum, nor did I thrust, and being a virgin was the only way to go in my shame based culture I was living in.

Fast forward to 20 years later, and our re-connection came to life because of Facebook.  We talked for weeks about life, her life, her marriage, her kids, and I did the same.  Then in late December she upped the ante.  She sent pictures of herself (the ones not posted on Facebook) and started talking about her total lack of a sex-life.  Me, I don't know a thing about consoling a desperate married woman who wants to get a hard pounding fuck.  What me?  How could I help her?  ehhem . . . yea, I know a thing or two about the dangers of monogamy and equally about the dangers of infidelity.  I said I would participate, but not at the cost of hurting, or possibly hurting her children.  'I'd see you if I knew you couldn't/wouldn't get caught'.  That's what I said.  We talked through all of the possibilities that our relationship could be.  We could have fun, and certainly we both believe that there is unfinished business. I dipped my fruit in her chocolate, but never really tasted it.

So two weeks ago we met.  I was nervous.  Fidgety nervous.   Would there be chemistry 20 years later?  We were kids then.  We met at a winery.  It was noon, and it was a gorgeous day.  With a blanket, a picnic basket and a bottle of cab we found a secluded spot.  The whole damn place was empty so it was easy.  And then for two hours we modestly kissed, and touched each other. It was sweet, and romantic, and we both loved it.  We loved our little two hour escapade.  Soft kisses on her back, on her tummy, and the back of her neck.  Simple kisses and suddenly hard deep passionate kissses.  Light touching would turn into heavy groping and massaging.  She lifted my shirt up and licked my nipples while holding on to my thigh.  She then grabbed my cock over my jeans while kissing me intensely.  Whooaaaa.  It was hot.  We went for a walk to cool down and made it about 4 steps, where I  pinned her body against a gazebo.  Hot!!  Fucking hot and heavy.  She groaned as I slid my hand down her jeans and into her wetness.  I knew she was wet before I put my hand there. I could smell her sex, and I was digging it. I was digging this beautiful landscape of trees, a pond, and vineyards everywhere, but most importantly her.

We had to stop.  She had to get back to her home and I had another adventure set up for that evening.  We decided immediately that we needed to see each other again, that we needed to get down to that un-finished business from so long ago.  That will be about a month from now.  The anticipation is already killing me.

Thank you Facebook Gods, you answered my prayers . . .