Thursday, November 5, 2009

Warning Signs - Top 10

Two warnings off the bat. A) This post is a little bit longer than normal, and B) this post starts off with a negative tone but life is good so don't worry about me. :-) Surely everyone can relate to some of this stuff.

Signs that your spouse isn't that into you anymore:
  1. When you try to give her a kiss she ever so slightly moves her lips away and gives you something closer to her cheek.
  2. When you ask her to have sex she expects you to be hard, at full attention without having given you any stimulus to get that way. Translation = seduce yourself.
  3. When you're not rock hard come sexy time, she's not happy with you. Foreplay is long gone. Daily affection has whithered away. "Hey if you want a hug, you have to ask me for one. I don't know when you want one."
  4. She'd rather give you a hand-job than let you pound her, and not just occasionally but most of the time.
  5. She'd rather make out with the "local" boy at the bar then fuck the shit out of you on a vacation to Baja Mexico when that trip was really supposed to be about the two of you "re-connecting".
  6. She's more into women than you. Although that started off as something really kinky.
  7. Sex is not fun anymore. There's no smiles, there's nothing happy about it. It appears to be more of a duty than a wild, reckless, passionate romp.
  8. When you notice that she's giving you a blow job but really thinking about something else and wondering when you're gonna get through with it.
  9. When she has no idea how sex, within a committed monogamous relationship was a means for how I connected with her. Like no comprehension.
  10. When it's your b-day and you look over at her and talk about b-day sex and she says "yes, I'd like to have that, I'd like to do that for you, but first we need to talk, we need to connect more emotionally before I can do that. I can't have sex when we're not emotionally connected." So we talk for an hour, it's getting late, I'm late for work, and after going through that exercise with her, still no b-day sex. So yea #10 = no b-day sex.

#10 Reminds me of the largest circular problem in my marriage when we were still together. That problem was that she needed me to be "connected" to her, to her needs, to her world, for her to want to have sex with me. I needed her to have sex with me so that I could be connected to her, and want to listen to her. After sex I loved this woman even more than ever. The act itself made me feel more bonded with her. Visualize that circular diagram. We went round and round and usually ended up nowhere, meaning I could only give so much to maintain that emotional thing she needed and it usually wasn't enough for her to want to have sex.

Ironically as soon as our marriage opened up she could/would start having sex with guys to which she had very little attachment to. I asked her to explain that and the bullshit answer isn't even worth sharing here.

Please understand that I am not bitter anymore. I don't hate this woman. I can even look at her in the arms of another man and think good thoughts about her (this happened yesterday). Our relationship physically had just expired like some bad milk. Perhaps I am fully comfortable with her in another mans arms because I am free from all of those above things that haunted me, or maybe because I know that he now must deal with the drama and the personality that I have come to disengage with over the past two years. I am free from having to try to maintain that intense emotional connection she needed, free from having to wonder if we will ever have good sex again because we won't. I swear there were times where she simply needed a girlfriend and used me as a substitute. I am a good listener, but fuck there has to be a payoff in the end and when that payoff, which included sex, started to whither away, I realized that this was no longer a warning sign, it was the end.

Would I ever get married again? No way. I think the ideal relationship/lover is someone who you see two or three times a week, spending as much as 24 hours or even 48 hours together, or as little as 30 minutes, going back to your separate worlds but still keeping a good loving connection between the two of you when you're not seeing each other. Hell, I can't even imagine wanting to live with a woman right now. What I dream about is something simple, something like sitting on a back porch sharing the moonlight, holding hands, drinking a glass of wine, making out, and fucking till midnight. Yes, a little romance, yes, a lot of fucking, but at the end of the day, one of us goes back home.

Oh, and I'll never ever share a bathroom with my lover. Never. I think that kills things too. And please don't share things with me that happened in the bathroom. Wifey always loved to do that, and it's disgusting. I never wanted to hear about your bowel problems or triumphs.

* Btw, the link I shared for Cabo Surf Hotel is where we stayed and in spite of the issues we had at that time, that place was the best surfing I ever experienced. If the right woman comes along, I'll take her and fuck the shit out of her there. I need a re-do. Any volunteers?


Vixen said...

First off....that pic with the buttons/knobs at the bottom. PRICELESS. I love that, bc it's so fucking true. No?!

#10, I think is a *classic* example of how men and women are different or how NEEDS can be different. I actually think in my marriage I am more like you in this aspect and he needs the 'other' connection from talking/feeling close.

I'm happy for you that you are at least at a place you seem resolved.


Anonymous said...

Tater always says that i'm a man in woman's clothing. Maybe it's a little more complex than that, but i do hate what is typically viewed as "female bullshit."

I'm so glad things are looking up for you, darlin'.

Gray said...

I think sometimes those things start out subconscious but definitely scream problems. In the end you can always look back and see the progression. I am glad to see you are moving forward though. A happy Dewey is better. :)

Petal said...

Love the damn true!

I will volunteer!!!!!! oh does that sound just a touch too keen?

But seriously, I get what you mean about reciprocation...if you give you expect to receive, its only fair :)

wifegonebad said...

That pic is very true - I know my husband would agree. ;> You've been thru the wringer it sounds like the last few years - but it's good that you're not bitter - that would only hurt you more. I think you and all your "blogger wives" should go to Cabo together!

mina said...

this post actually has a lot going on in it. You know me.. always trying to hit the nail on the head. Your top 10 list, though you say you are over it, sounds like you are not. My initial reaction was... "he still wants her." Or perhaps this is simply your way of closure. Coming to terms with this reality.
Sylvanus can relate to a lot of those things you wrote. He had a sexless marriage. Seriously, sexless. He was a virgin the first 3 years of his marriage. (I still don't know why he stayed with her as long as he did) I have no idea what her problem was mentally. Physically she said it just hurt so much. In any case, she just didn't want sex. And he could relate to some of the things on your list. Including the trip out to mexico. (for him it was his sexless honeymoon).
I am, however, thankful that Sylvanus was willing to give the whole marriage thing a try. I know most people who have "been there, done that" will never go back. And that's when I realize, Sylvanus and I have something truly special in each other.
I hope you find that peace you are looking for.

Soul Powers said...

Dewey, for real, I feel you man. I'm in that limbo state, too. Almost 2 months w/o sex with the wife. No hugs, no affection. So, I've had to take matters into my own hands...And into someone elses comfort. Life is like that. I think my critical mistake was letting her thing it was ever ok not being intimate with me. I'm going to blog that story eventually.

Thanks for being open, you aren't alone my man!

Vanilla Kinks said...

I've had, and been through, my own top 10.

I'm over it now, and hubby and I are great, great friends.

A sexless marriage isn't good. I sought comfort in the arms of another, and that ended everything.

I will never marry again, either.

Anonymous said...

The picture rules. A great reminder about the emotional differences between the sexes.

You nailed it with your statement, "the deep emotional connection she needed from me."

"Whoa" it's the kiss of death for any relationship: friends, lover, family, etc...

This is the sorta hole no once can fill/fix but yourself - no matter what your gender.

As always, I appreciate the simple honesty in your post. - E.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Vix here that picture is great!!!

Yeah...don't need to know the bathroom stuff, just shut the door and let it be. ICK!

Cheeks said...

Wow, there's a lot going on in this post. I think it is good for everyone in a relationship to take stock of these things to try to correct things, if needed, before they spiral past fixable.

But I will say that I hope you're just going through a phase with the not wanting to spend more time with a lover ever again. I'm not necessarily talking about marrying again... that's a decision only you can make. But the good parts of living with someone you love and who loves you back FAR outweigh any of the bad. I don't think you'll ever have true intimacy with someone you see three times a week for a few hours of fucking and a glass of wine.

But what the heck do I know? ;)

Carrie Oakie said...

All reasons I am still single, Dewey. When I find a guy I'd like to date, I tend to keep our time together to a minimum. Whenever it got more regular - every day seeing each other - it would never work out. It's frustrating being single in LA sometimes, I tell ya!

Kimberly said...

Your vision of the perfect relationship: exactly!

April said...

I thought I had left a comment on this post.....maybe I just read it and thought I'd comment later and never did.

Anyway, I have read so many blogs from dudes who are/were with wives who wouldn't fuck them OR fuck them very little. I don't get it. I don't get how anyone wouldn't want sex.....I suppose there are reasons. I think in your wifes case, she just checked out of the marriage before either of you realized it.

I know you're a little bitter about relationships, and that's normal and certainly OK. But that's not everyone's experience. All marriages don't have to be to women like your wife. Not that I'm saying you should get married again, I'm just saying I wouldn't be so quick to rule it out.