Signs that your spouse isn't that into you anymore:
- When you try to give her a kiss she ever so slightly moves her lips away and gives you something closer to her cheek.
- When you ask her to have sex she expects you to be hard, at full attention without having given you any stimulus to get that way. Translation = seduce yourself.
- When you're not rock hard come sexy time, she's not happy with you. Foreplay is long gone. Daily affection has whithered away. "Hey if you want a hug, you have to ask me for one. I don't know when you want one."
- She'd rather give you a hand-job than let you pound her, and not just occasionally but most of the time.
- She'd rather make out with the "local" boy at the bar then fuck the shit out of you on a vacation to Baja Mexico when that trip was really supposed to be about the two of you "re-connecting".
- She's more into women than you. Although that started off as something really kinky.
- Sex is not fun anymore. There's no smiles, there's nothing happy about it. It appears to be more of a duty than a wild, reckless, passionate romp.
- When you notice that she's giving you a blow job but really thinking about something else and wondering when you're gonna get through with it.
- When she has no idea how sex, within a committed monogamous relationship was a means for how I connected with her. Like no comprehension.
- When it's your b-day and you look over at her and talk about b-day sex and she says "yes, I'd like to have that, I'd like to do that for you, but first we need to talk, we need to connect more emotionally before I can do that. I can't have sex when we're not emotionally connected." So we talk for an hour, it's getting late, I'm late for work, and after going through that exercise with her, still no b-day sex. So yea #10 = no b-day sex.
#10 Reminds me of the largest circular problem in my marriage when we were still together. That problem was that she needed me to be "connected" to her, to her needs, to her world, for her to want to have sex with me. I needed her to have sex with me so that I could be connected to her, and want to listen to her. After sex I loved this woman even more than ever. The act itself made me feel more bonded with her. Visualize that circular diagram. We went round and round and usually ended up nowhere, meaning I could only give so much to maintain that emotional thing she needed and it usually wasn't enough for her to want to have sex.
Ironically as soon as our marriage opened up she could/would start having sex with guys to which she had very little attachment to. I asked her to explain that and the bullshit answer isn't even worth sharing here.
Please understand that I am not bitter anymore. I don't hate this woman. I can even look at her in the arms of another man and think good thoughts about her (this happened yesterday). Our relationship physically had just expired like some bad milk. Perhaps I am fully comfortable with her in another mans arms because I am free from all of those above things that haunted me, or maybe because I know that he now must deal with the drama and the personality that I have come to disengage with over the past two years. I am free from having to try to maintain that intense emotional connection she needed, free from having to wonder if we will ever have good sex again because we won't. I swear there were times where she simply needed a girlfriend and used me as a substitute. I am a good listener, but fuck there has to be a payoff in the end and when that payoff, which included sex, started to whither away, I realized that this was no longer a warning sign, it was the end.
Would I ever get married again? No way. I think the ideal relationship/lover is someone who you see two or three times a week, spending as much as 24 hours or even 48 hours together, or as little as 30 minutes, going back to your separate worlds but still keeping a good loving connection between the two of you when you're not seeing each other. Hell, I can't even imagine wanting to live with a woman right now. What I dream about is something simple, something like sitting on a back porch sharing the moonlight, holding hands, drinking a glass of wine, making out, and fucking till midnight. Yes, a little romance, yes, a lot of fucking, but at the end of the day, one of us goes back home.
Oh, and I'll never ever share a bathroom with my lover. Never. I think that kills things too. And please don't share things with me that happened in the bathroom. Wifey always loved to do that, and it's disgusting. I never wanted to hear about your bowel problems or triumphs.
* Btw, the link I shared for Cabo Surf Hotel is where we stayed and in spite of the issues we had at that time, that place was the best surfing I ever experienced. If the right woman comes along, I'll take her and fuck the shit out of her there. I need a re-do. Any volunteers?