Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cock-Washer

Nope, no HNT from me today. I suppose you'll know that when you see another HNT from me that mentally, emotionally, and physically, I've returned to a more normal state.

Last weekend was wifey's birthday celebration. In fact, she's having an all out extended party lasting three weekends in a row. The first weekend was to Vegas, last weekend was the local party, and this coming weekend she'll go out for one overnight with her boyfriend. Add to that the fact that she's got a new job, and she's pretty much been busier then ever and I've had to pick up the job of parenting myself. Remember, its parenting four kids. They're good kids and young enough to not have found too much trouble but I've been busy lately.

To lessen up my workload I stopped seeing Tall-Chick. Thank you everyone for your support in my cutting that off. I'll tell you what I'll miss most about her. After we had sex, she would go to the bathroom, warm up the water, soak a towel in it, walk back to the bed, and completely clean my bits and pieces up. Yea, I'd never had a personal cock-washer before and she did such a nice job. She would tease it a bit too and get it hard again and that was always fun and giggles for her. So yea, I'm going to miss the cock-wash the most.

Ohh, she tempted me in such a bad way last weekend to come up to her place and take refuge for a night. She moved recently into the most beautiful house with an ocean view and I'm telling you that it was hard to say no, but alas, it was the right thing to do.

So wifey turned 40 and all of her family came in the past weekend surprising her for her birthday. I had been so literally overwhelmed by all the stuff lately that I really didn't even want to go to her bday party-dinner.

Fuck it.

That's kind of the nature of what I'm feeling toward her lately. I knew I would be uncomfortable there. Uncomfortable because I'm not mixing very well socially with her lately. We haven't announced to anyone in her family that we are going to get divorced. When her father got up to give a toast and referred to me and her, I wanted to stand up and exclaim that I wasn't technically really her partner anymore, but that the dude sitting right across from me, her on-off again boyfriend, was really the one fucking her and taking home the pussy prize. Me, I'm just the one that was dumb enough to pay for the new pussy, the vaginal rejuvenation, and breast job, but not really the one to enjoy the benefits of my investment. Ughh, oh yea, I haven't told you readers about the monies I've spent, before things went horribly wrong with wifey, and the economy, on all her "procedures" to fix what having four kids did to her body. That's a post for another time.

But you get the gist right? I'm there at a big table, lots of our friends, her family, and everyone, except a couple people, are expecting the two of us to dote over each other on this grand night, and I literally don't even want to be there. I'm ready for the secret to come out of the bag that we are simply parenting together and raising children but otherwise I've been over this woman for quite a while. So do I have a open marriage? Technically yes, but theoretically I can't stand to be around her, so what kind of marriage is that. It's not a marriage. At times lately I feel so imprisoned. Locked in a cage if you will. I can't run away from her and move on with my life because we have these wonderful kids that need us both. When we have that talk with our kids, which I will be pressing to happen real soon, and then we talk to our families, I think I'll feel just a little bit better. It will be progress.

Truthfully I need to feel better. I need to feel more like my happy go-lucky self. I've been in a place lately where all I can see is the negative, where I can't see how we're going to get out of debt when the spending isn't stopping, or where I can hardly envision falling in love again or having a relationship for that matter. Just having a fuck-buddy seems like a lot of work. Dewey's next HNT couldn't come any sooner.

16 comments:

Ms Scarlett said...

Wow, that's lots of stress, no wonder you're not feeling yourself.

Hope things get better soon! XO

Petal said...

Hang in there Hun, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you cant see it yet....hugs

wifegonebad said...

Oh sweetie - I know that "imprisoned" feeling - but I believe that will go away or lesson after you are able to announce to your family about your divorce - it will be such a relief. Wishing you well.

xo
Emma

Sexie Sadie~ said...

Your wife spent a weekend in Vegas? Maybe YOU need to get away too. You know where you should go visit? Yep... you do! ;)

xo~Sadie

Hubman said...

Here's hoping you find that positive place that you're seeking. I love the cock-wash idea, I might have to suggest that to someone!

Black Pearl said...

I can sooooo understand how you're feeling as hubby just spent a FUCKING WEEK in Vegas a few weeks ago! UGH! Can I get some sin in the city?!

Anyhoo, I really hope that you get back to feeling like yourself really soon!

*muah*

Eva Huntress said...

Well, at least you're approching the beginning of the end and that should bring you back your freedom eventually. Sounds like you've had too much work and very little fun. You should take some time for yourself, don't push yourself, you're young and hot, but you're not Superman.

Kimberly said...

Thinking of you, babe. I do hope things look up!

Dharma said...

You're in my thoughts, Dewey.

It wasn't so long ago that I felt that same feeling towards my husband -- locked up, expected, apathetic, stuck.

You're on the road to freedom -- emotionally, at least. Hang in there.

Vixen said...

Three full weekends of birthday celebration??? Wow..... That must be nice.

There are so many reasons why I can see how you would be resentful. Sounds like a lot of giving (begrudgingly at this point) with very little in return.

Hugs babe....things will get better. xo

Sweet Elle Next Door said...

If you are waiting for a right time then that will never come. Sometimes it's better to rip the bandaid off and just get on with it.

She has all the benefits right now.

You don't.

Period.

Sorry, this all sucks.

Ms Bitchtits to You said...

Ok...call me a crazy hippie freak, but "fix" what having babies did to her body? Goddamn, that gives me the screaming heebies. But to each his/her own, i suppose.

Anyhoo...i can certainly see why you would feel trapped and resentful. Maybe YOU need to just take some time and some goodness for yourself.

I wish you peace and happiness sooner than later.

Dewey's System said...

Oh, I think you hit the nail on the head. "a lot of stress" and "she has all the benefits right now" is exactly how I feel but couldn't really describe. She's walking out the door right now to go for a long overnighter with boyfriend and she has the nerve to say something rude to me. I'm here, watching the kids, I'm taking them to swim lessons and bday parties. Fuck. She talks about wanting to be connected to our kids and yet by some phenomena called mid life crisis she hasn't been around much and is not connected to the kids. She says one thing and does another.

I'm also resenting the fact that she's fucking and I'm not. I could be, but choose not to. It's hard for me to explain but being negative in the hole, having debt has also been a major blow to me personally. It's probably had a worse impact on me mentally and physically then I give it credit for. How can I swoon a woman, or "play the game" when I can't even man up and get my household shit in order. I suppose that's me feeling a lot of responsibility right now.

Listen, I didn't marry the devil. We both have changed so much since we first met 16 years ago. We met and married under some extreme cultural religious factors. With those factors out of the way for both of us, we are working at finding our way and enjoying a new life. It's just not meant to be together. I'm not defending her doing what she's doing. If she had a blog here, I dare say she might rip me a new one, or she might simply say something to the effect that she didn't know how upset I was or how badly I need some kind of change. I'm not pointing the finger at her, but I just want human decency. If we make sacrifices for each other, go out of our way, or do kind things, is it too much to ask for you to recognize it, to acknowledge it, and to be grateful for it? Yes, I feel unappreciated, but I married someone who over time became so self absorbed that to even mention this topic stirs up a huge fight.

I love this forum for getting advice and answers and clarity. Wow. Thank you. Some of the others described feeling resentment toward her and that was another word I couldn't think of. Thank you everyone for your help. I feel so lucky to have people out there that care and listen.

mina said...

holy fuck your life is a Nip/Tuck episode. Vaginal rejuvination was a big topic on the season premier. lol. Sorry things are so chaotic. I hope they get better soon. So your wife had her birthday bash in Vegas while I was there getting married huh? We could have crossed paths. Did she mention seeing a stunningly beautiful bride while she was there? ;)

southerngirl said...

Got here late. It's all been said but baby - that F-ING suck ass. I so relate to your dinner scene...feeling like the poser among posers. OMG you have a right to be bitter but look here is where blogging can be cathartic - getting the shit out of your system.

*kissing both cheeks*

Stay strong.

Oh and look...Dr. Sadie may have just what cures the ailing boy!!

T said...

Wow. How sad. Reminds me of the end of my own marriage.

And because it reminds me of that, I want to tell you that it WILL get better. I promise you it does.

Found you via hubman. Nice place you got here. :)