I'm going to depart for a moment today from my usual recklessness and lustful attitude and admit that I need to work on something. I want to work on something, and yet I don't want to quit it altogether because when done properly (if there is such a place/time) can be fun.
I have been drinking too much lately.
There, I said it. I need to take a look at why and cut back from it. I don't want to quit because the occasional social drink is really nice, but its the getting hammered at home, where my kids can see me that has me more worried. It's when I go too far and send a text to a friend late at night only to have her so pissed and angry at me that she wants me to get out of her life for good. Yes, that happened and it was a bummer. It's bumming me out today. The loss of a friend because of a random late drunk text is really sad to me. Sad enough to drive me here and confess that I need to take this seriously and get a grip.
Why do I do it? Why isn't it that one or two isn't enough for me? Why do I drink like 4 or 5 beers every night? I don't think its totally out of control for me (I think all alcoholics probably say that), but I could see a train wreck up ahead if I don't make changes now, today, cut back, and replace this bad habit with a more productive one.
For the reasons that I need to examine in my psyche this started about 6 months ago. Coincidentally, about 6 months ago, while I was an occasional drinker, and I was in fabulous physical shape. You could say I had peaked for what I wanted in terms of health and a good body. It's also the time I realized that while I wanted out of my marriage, I was going to stay in the same home with my wife and raise the kids with her. So, I have some things to work through and I'm telling you all here because I can, and because I want to remind myself every day that I have so much to be grateful for and that life is quite good right now. Life is very good, and there's no reason to fuck it up with an out of control drinking problem.
Ironically I didn't have the nerve to start this blog until one afternoon in May when I had drunk a couple beers. Now I'm writing this post in Aug and I'm telling myself, reminding myself, pleading with myself, to get a handle on it and nip it in the bud, now before I hurt anyone else including myself any further.
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21 comments:
I know that on those nights when i desperately want to drink the most, i avoid it like the plague. All the best; i've missed seeing you around.
yeah for lack of something better to say: admitting there is a problem is the 1st step".
You keep drinking because you like the feeling you get. I love to drink and I love getting buzzed when I do. I feel happy and sexual and the whole world of problems melt away. So i can easily understand why you would keep feeding that feeling.
take things one step at a time. You see there is a problem and now you can work on it. Either stop drinking for a little while, or simply start limiting yourself. The limiting yourself is hard to do when the company around you pushes you to have more. is that also a factor to why you drink too much? Are people making you feel like you have to?
I'm the son of an alcoholic and know first-hand what too much drinking can do to a family. And I've got my own history of over-indulging a bit too often.
As they say (not sure who "they" is, but anyway...) the first step is acknowledging the problem.
Good luck. I'm sure you have many friends out here in the blogosphere pulling for you.
Here is a simple starting point. cut your habit Sun - Thurs. then exercise those days you are not indulging. I bet this will help you. And...talk to Sadie. She stopped (completely) not long ago...she knows her shit on the subject.
xo
I give you a lot of credit for recognizing a pattern and changing it before it becomes an issue. Especially with kids around - they'll learn good habits on how to deal with stress from your example. Good luck! =)
I am glad to see you recognize the problem and want to fix it. A lot of people can't see that before it is too late. I wish you the best of luck kicking this habit.
Ay, Dewey, it's brave of you to recognize your weakness; for some, denial is their worst enemy. If You can admit it, you can do it.
I have read, re-read, and re-read all of your comments today. THANK YOU so much, all of you. I appreciate your support and caring more than you'll ever realize.
Today sucked, but it did get better after I wrote this and read your comments. I went to the gym for 2.5 hours and while I would love to say that I didn't have a single drink, I did drink one beer tonight and stopped there. That was big progress for me and I'm going to keep at it.
This page, this post will probably be my source of strength for the next while. As a family, with school starting, we will be getting back into some steady habits which will also help. This won't be the last time I bring this up!!
If your kids are seeing it, and its caused you to lose a friend then it already has gone "too far". I'm sorry if that sounds too harsh, but I don't think that now is the time to be coddled.
It won't be easy, but it's necessary and yes you have done well with making the first step in admitting *publicly* (or as public as you can here) that you've got a problem that you want to change.
I've never dealt with this addiction, so I'm not so sure that I could offer any constructive help but my suggestion would be to remove the alcohol from the house. Simply don't keep it there anymore. If it's at hand it'll be so easy to just have one and then just have another.
My other suggestion is to lean on friends, virtual and otherwise. I know you've got a lot of us here who'll lend a shoulder!
good luck my dear
I come from a long line of alcoholics, so I have always worried about this in myself. I don't drink often, but when I do, I always want more, and it is easy to go overboard. One thing to remind yourself is that stopping the beers will also help your physical condition be in top form (not that you could look much better; but you will feel better). I am sorry about the friend. Hopefully, it won't be a final loss. But if it is, and you know why, then you can do something to prevent it happening again. It is great that you are examining yourself and making changes! You absolutely can do it. My sister just stopped drinking altogether, and she lost 24 pounds in the process. Any time you need to talk or vent about this, feel free.
Dewey, You are asking the correct question. "Why do I (you) drink to much?" Hang with this thought and all will be revealed along with the options for you to do things differently. This path just like sex is different for everyone despite the commonalities. You are very brave to put these thoughts out there. All the best - E
Tough love? Ok.
Since I'm a mom, my first thought is to really think about your kids. If that's not enough to help you see what you're doing, then you need more help than you're willing to admit right now. Kids may not say anything, but they sure as hell know what's going on, and the last thing you would ever want is to see your children get to the point that you're at right now, and have them say to you, "What's the big deal, you do it. How do you think we learned?" You know? I don't know if any of us (bloggers) are therapists, but maybe you should consider talking to one. Cuz yes, most alcoholics make the admission, say they're gonna do it, but let them just get the urge and all the talk goes out with the bottles. Seek some professional advice, and I wish you more luck than words can say.
Oh honey pie. I know exactly where you are.
Drinking to get drunk, and in front of the kids, and fucking up friendships as a direct result, constitutes a drinking problem. Doesn't mean you are an alcoholic, just that it is time to actively examine the reasons and, for a while, put the bottle down. Introspection doesn't work when it's filtered out by the haze of alcohol. Believe me, I know. Besides, you don't want to fuck up that beautiful body of yours, Dewey.
You know you can call me any time. I know what you are going through and am happy to be of support.
xo~Sadie
For those of you that subscribe to follow up email comments, you may want to unsubscribe due to the fact that I want to use this post, this comment forum to journal more about my daily experiences and insights, as I am taking this "getting a grip" thing very seriously. And why not do that here?
Some of the comments left so far have been harsh. I'm totally fine with that. I need to hear it. I am willing to consider and look at everyones view point.
I had one beer monday night, and I haven't gone to the store for more. There aren't anymore in the house. Last night I didn't have any alcohol, and tonight I won't have any either. This will the longest stretch of time for maybe 3 months that I haven't had at least two beers in one night. I'm happy about it, but I know that's its just the first step in a process. I also know that as I write this, it is noon, and I don't have any cravings for a beer until I get home, when my car hits the driveway. That my friends is likely a big motivation for why I have been drinking more so than ever lately. Perhaps reason #1 is the overwhelming parenting responsibilities. I didn't have my first sip of alcohol until our last one was about one year old. It was the losing of my religion that suddenly enabled me to participate with alcohol. It was my choice and my pleasure.
I'd really be pleased with my progress if I make it till thursday to have another beer. I'd also really be pleased with the notion that when drinking socially I can put a cap on it, and keep my wits about me in terms of over-indulging.
Thank you again to everyone that took a moment to comment and share your ideas with me.
I'll write tomorrow about what I perceive as another motivation for my over-indulging.
Seriously taking this time to examine myself and my life.
This, I can understand. It is easy to escape into it, and even if in the realm of "functional" the key thing is seeing it, dealing with it, and forgiving yourself for it. Hang in there, bud. I just focus on working out more, eating well, and hell, tea (as much as I hate it) at night helps me....and reading.
Many of us have been there, D, and understand without judgement.
CW
Just a quick progress report. I did not drink at all last night either. That makes two nights in a row. I'm pleased that I can say that. I did go grocery shopping last night and I did pass by my favorite beer, and it didn't help that it was on sale, but I didn't do it, and I am happy about it. I may have a beer tonight. Again, I am not looking to quite alcohol, but rather to get my cravings under control. I've had one beer since Monday night and its now thursday morning. Big progress for me.
Hang in there, Bro! I know where you are right now!
Try to get some more waves...every ride helps!
Jack
Two nights ain't a bad start, amigo!
I hope your friend forgives, by the way. We all make mistakes.
I've been drinking a lot more than I usually do, too, lately.
Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's very bad.
I hope you can figure out what your answer is.
Three people commented yesterday and offered their support and encouragement. Thank you so much people, you guys are amazing to take the time and give advice and encouragement. Last night, after the kids went to bed, I had three beers. I had a nice buzz and thought about going back for more but I stopped and thought a lot about everyones comments and about my getting a grip. I felt good about that, and felt like I didn't over-do it. I'm not trying to quit drinking, I'm simply trying to get it in check, to within reasonable limits and to set a decent example for my kids.
Reason #3 for over-indulging. I started drinking a lot more when I met my new band mates last Feb and March. We were jamming in a shitty studio where they lived and drinking excessively. I think this is the location where my drinking took on new limits. These guys, are single, party-guys, and totally crazy. Me, I have a job, wife, kids, responsibilities, but for a moment I acted like a child when I was around them, which was like 3 times a week. Those days are over, the band thing didn't materialize because they couldn't get their shit together. Big surprise. The drugs, the drinking, get out of control for them and we couldn't rehearse or do much of anything. They couldn't pay their rent. Anyhow, I'm not around those guys anymore, and I recognize that I developed a habit around them over excess drinking, and I'm happy that I'm no longer in that situation.
Riff- I am actually happy to not talk or have this friend in my life anymore. She is someone that I had blogged about and who was, up to that day, consuming more energy and time from me than I should have given her. That she left me is actually a good thing. I needed to get my mind off of her and on to better things. Some things are a blessing in disguise.
It was a full week ago that I wrote this post now. Never before has my mind been consumed with the idea of moderation. This past week was tremendously successful for me in terms of "getting a grip". No crazy late drunk texts and no getting drunk in front of the kids. I also was able to exercise every day of the weekend. That my friends is a tale tale sign of success in not over indulging. Yes, if I have a hangover from drinking too much, then I can't go to the gym. I didn't drink too much Friday night, didn't drink at all sat night, and had a very pleasant time drinking with friends on Sunday in moderation. So yes, by all accounts, this has been a huge improvement this last week. I workout both Saturday and Sunday and nearly everyday of this past week.
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